Global Domination

Audio Autopsy - February 2006

01/02/06  ||  Global Domination

Katatonia: The great cold distance

8 /10

Lord K: Katatonia kills quite a bit. The very obvious Opeth-influences are as annoying at times as they are killer, but the Kat’s (how gay was that?) got their own unique sound besides that, and I really dig it. This edition’s winner for me, without a doubt. 8

Ripper: Don’t listen to this when you’re sad. You’ll fucken kill yourself. Oh wait… DO listen to this when you’re sad – and fucken kill yourself! 8

Desert Eagle: I couldn’t really get into this because some annoying promo voiceover kept buzzing in my ear. I don’t understand why labels do this shit because people are going to download this shit one way or another so why bother putting out a version that sucks. 7

Fishermane: As any one who might have read some of my posts or reviews might have induced, I have a hard time taking the internet seriously. But this deserves a review devoid of any references to male genitalia or senseless swearing. I never heard Katatonia before this, but this album took me by surprise. This is not metal in it’s purest form, but it’s blissfully haunting. “Leaders” actually gave me chills. My top pick this month, without a doubt. 9

The Abyss: (I HATE FUCKING VOICEOVERS ON PROMOS!) Instantly recognisable, Katatonia has carved their own depressing niche and nobody sonds quite like them, much thanks to Jonas Renkse’s marvelous voice. Not as immideate as “Viva Emptiness” but “The Great Cold Distance” are just as wonderfully bleak and haunting. 8

Decapitated: Organic hallucinosis

6.8 /10

Lord K: I think Decapitated listened a tad too much to Meshuggah lately. There’s traces of the Decapitated we know, but this is a new direction and it’s fine with me. Coven’s (or whatever his name is) vocals are real fucken good and suits the new style of the band. 8

Ripper: I am too bored to even write a witty remark. Now THAT should tell you something… 4

Desert Eagle: Nice and heavy and brutal. Well I guess I shouldn’t really say “nice”. They aren’t singing about love and that warm feeling you get when you shit out a hot shit and it steams your ass real bad and it kind of burns but your not really sure what you should do about it. Should you splash some water on your hole or what? Get some ice? I don’t know, people don’t really talk about this kind of thing, I’m not sure why. What? 7

Fishermane: I don’t know about forward or backwards, but this is definately a step sideways for Decapitated. I judge Covan is bound to divide fans in a way similar to the whole “Barnes/Corpsegrinder” issue (just on a smaller scale, fuck off). Still, this shit jams hard, so I’m happy with Conan. Now fuck off and go read my interview with him. 8

The Abyss: (I HATE FUCKING VOICEOVERS ON PROMOS!) Poland fucking Poland, reliable as fuck to deliver solid no-frills death metal. Decapitated has turned for a slightly more Meshuggah-techy style of riffing and the new vocalist is not as visceral as Sauron, but I’d be telling a big fat lie if I said this sucks. It just doesn’t top “Nihility” or “The Negation”. It must suck to be 22 and have peaked. 7

The Devin Townsend Band: Synchestra

6.2 /10

Lord K: A lot of everything. I don’t even know what to call this, but it’s not likely I’ll go thru this album again. 3

Ripper: Another masterpiece by one of my all time favourites. This album reminds me a bit of his DEVLAB project because this here is pretty much one single track, too – and totally out of touch with reality. It is also something to drop out of said reality to. The fucken polka and 20’s Ragtime elements had me roaring with laughter. Fucken awesome! HevyDevy is the fucken MAN. 10

Desert Eagle: What can one say about Devin Townsend. He has a shitload of bands, he’s a producer, he has a skullet, and he’s insane. I think he should stick with producing. 6

Fishermane: I got through the first half of this not even knowing who the fuck this guy was, and not really caring. My ignorance is beyond bliss. So’s my man-stick. So I didn’t really like this rock, alternative, or whatever kind of fucking absurd metal this is considered to be. But fuck, a few of the last songs really caught on to me. Really catchy shit. 5

The Abyss: If DTB is Devin’s outlet for those ideas too whacky for Strapping Young Lad, well that alone should say something of the level of eccentricity to be found here. Beatles-like pop, polka, death metal, ambient stuff, it’s all here. And it’s all extremly fascinating to absorb. An album for the heart, not the mind. 7

Amorphis: Eclipse

6.2 /10

Lord K: I have pretty much followed Amorphis during their whole existence. They kinda lost me somewhere when they went all 70’s and shit. The Finns do their thing well and they definitely have a sound of their own, even if it’s not so much metal anymore. The new vocalist is doing a good job and this album is another fine effort. 7

Ripper: I fucken love fucken Amorphis and this album doesn’t give me a single reason to stop loving them. Even though it sometimes sounds like a fucken 60’s hippie combo. 8

Desert Eagle: This new singer reminds me of a rock vocalist and I could have sworn Amorphis still considered themselves at least somewhat metal. On another note, they spelled “amorphous” wrong. Hah! 4

Fishermane: Fucking Amorphis.”Hey, one second we’re metal, the next we’re pop!” This album probably needs more than 5 sentences to be reviewed properly, and I just wasted one! WHAT! Anyhow, this shit is different, as usual for Amorphis, but at times it just makes me want to throw up. Or touch myself. I like parts of it, but most of it is just beyond my heterosexuality, as original as it may be. 5

The Abyss: This is a lot better then “Am Universum”, which was too 70’s prog for my tastes. “Eclipse” is like the perfect bridge between old and new Amorphis, still containing that Hammond and clean vocals, but also a good dosage of growls and melodic riffs. Keep this up and you might top “Tales from the Thousand Lakes”. 7

Kataklysm: In the arms of devastation

6 /10

Lord K: I remember liking some album by these fuckers at one point. I also remember them being more death metal than this, but that might be an hallucination since I’m currently on shitloads of mushrooms. Nonetheless this is a disc in the name of death/thrash. Nothing special and it plays thru without me taking much notice of it. Kudo’s to the screamier vocals that appear here and there. 5

Ripper: Kataklysm are a constant in Death Metal and writing much about them is like describing a fucken salami sandwich in great detail – once you see it you fucken know how it tastes. Good shit, good score. NEXT!! 7

Desert Eagle: Awesome death with a strong sense of melody so you know I’m loving it. They also have good use of synths/keyboards. Damn why haven’t I listened to these guys before? “The Road to Devestation” is absolutely killer. 8

Fishermane: I never was a big fan of Kataklysm, but this shit’s cool by my standards. These guys know what they’re doing, and the death metal sounds good without being pretentious. And for cock’s sake, they’re from Montreal (so +1). Biased, you say? Below me. 7

The Abyss: was under the impression that Kataklysm was gonna be brutal death metal (or was that Krisiun?), anyway this is not really what I had expected. This sounds more like a 21st century metalcore band trying to cover thrash and death-songs. Very fucking boring. 3

Legion Of The Damned: Malevolent rapture

5.8 /10

Lord K: The shit-vocals destroys any eventual highlights this band could have had amongst their Slayer-ish riffs and grooves. 4

Ripper: First time I hear of those fuckos – never listened to them as they were still called “Occult” either, but this shit here completely blows me away and keeps my nuts firmly in a vice. If that album doesn’t fucken win this AA I am a monkey’s uncle once again. GLORIOUS fucken shit. Except for the quite too obvious Slayer knock-off “bleed for me”. 10

Desert Eagle: This band doing an album called “Malevolent Rapture” is about as original as Halford doing an album called, “My Butthole Longs for Cock”. Album titles aside, it sucks. 2

Fishermane: Somewhat uptempo trash/death metal with a raspy black metal growl. Not exactly what I’ll slap on when inviting a few of my friends’ mothers over for wine and foreplay, but pretty solid nonetheless. Still, after skipping through my choice cuts, it gets old relatively quickly. But the choice cuts rule. 6

The Abyss: Oh thank god, I was about to loose all hope for the future of retro-thrash (that’s a contradiction in terms for ya). LOTD, besides sounding suspiciously like an abbreviation of LOTR, churn out thrash with much vigor and joy and actually manage to make it sound… well, not fresh, but hmm… less dated? Bang your head dammit. 7

One Man Army And The Undead Quartet: 21st century killing machine

5.2 /10

Lord K: I expected alot more than this, for reasons I don’t know actually. Metal – The Standard Way. 5

Ripper: I guess a little more asskicking and inventiveness is too much to ask for nowadays…. 5

Desert Eagle: Boring thrash with shitty song titles. Am I putting too much emphasis on titles? Nah but if they don’t have enough creativity to give their song titles decent names they how much are they going to have in their songs? 4

Fishermane: This was an allright listen, kind of reminds me of some older swedish band that I can’t think of right now. Mid-paced decent death metal, good overall production, and somewhat enjoyable as a whole. More enjoyable than these comments. And much more enjoyable than sleeping with you, from your girlfriends perspective. 6

The Abyss: The sum was greater then it’s parts. What I’m talking about? Legendary death/thrash band The Crown of course! Vocalist Johan Lindestrand’s new band might carry a different sound and influences but the comparisons to his old crew is inevitable. And no matter which way you spin it, this album doesn’t really cut it. There’s some really good groovy thrashy tunes and some really boring, bottom-of-the-barrel songs as well. Then again, the growth-potential for these guys is huge! 6

Himsa: Hail horror

5 /10

Lord K: Half-growls, half thrash, half awful? If that’s yer thing, Himsa is for you. Himsa is not for me, that’s for sure. 4

Ripper: Hail Horror, Hail Himsa, Hail Lidl, Hail Adritt and Hail good fucken music! 7

Desert Eagle: You know this is actually decent maybe even a little better than decent. You know like when you get some french fries but they get cold by the time you eat them so you throw them in the microwave but then they get all soggy and you think, “Well they were decent cold so I guess they’re a little better now that they’re warm but soggy.” Like that. 7

Fishermane: Fuck man, I now respect every fucker here who’s done AA’s in the past. That shit can get ROUGH. It’s albums like this that make me realize I probably won’t be doing many more AA’s in the near future (aside from the fact that my material blows). This isn’t even all that bad, but fuck! These tough guy
vocals kill me, plus the riffs have all been done before. 4

The Abyss: I don’t even have the strength to describe this genre anymore. Bla-bla-tough guys with baseballcaps-blah-the world is kinda crummy, especially my neighbourhood-bla-blabla-BREAKDOWN. Ok I lied, there’s not that many breakdowns. Might was well been though. 3

Bleeding Through: The truth

4 /10

Lord K: Another American bullshit-band that I wish was bleeding somewhere else. No matter the blasts, no matter the thrash, no matter their shitty moniker. Bleeding Here And There is just another band trying to be real metal while mixing clean pop-choruses into the crap. Let me quote them from one of their songs; “I don’t give a fuck!”. 4

Ripper: The “truth” is that I really, really, really don’t want to listen to this ever fucken again. 3

Desert Eagle: Fuck you I like it. I thought of all sorts of things I could say to justify my liking them, but I don’t have to justify my tastes to you assholes. 8

Fishermane: Never heard of these guys, and after this, I sure don’t want to hear of them anymore! Har, how zing-ish. What is this anyways? I bet it’s something-core… It’s not all that untolerable, but it sure as fuck isn’t enjoyable. “Line in the sand”? More like “Hey shitsnaps, your clean vocals suck balls in the sand”. Now love me. 3

The Abyss: Oh my god, you guys suck. Clean vocals are awful, the keyboard sounds misplaced and the rest is just boring metalcore. 2

Demiricous: One

3.8 /10

Lord K: Trashy. And nope, I didn’t forget a “H” in that. 2

Ripper: I don’t know, to me this sounds like a bastard breed between The Haunted and Witchery. Hauntery? The Waunted? Hahahaha. Fuck me. I like it, though! 6

Desert Eagle: Shitty vocals and guitar solos. That really kills a cd for me. Oh and their name sucks. There were a few neat drum beats though. Hey! 3

Fishermane: This is as far from bad as it is from good (my kingdom for a coherant sentence!) Some parts I actually really liked, but the rest was just a bit…. Ok, I guess. Decent death metal. Some potential, but nothing spectacular. Fuck, I’m sexy. 5

The Abyss: Same deal as Bloodshed, my memory refuses to register the songs. But unlike Bloodshed, I don’t think Demiricous will have anything more to offer after more playing-sessions. The chorus for “Beyond Obscene” is the only thing memorble on this mess. 3

Machine Made God: The infinity complex

3.8 /10

Lord K: I wouldn’t be able to tell any of the fucken thrashy bands in this edition apart. They all sound the same to me. 4

Ripper: NO MORE OF THIS. I FUCKEN BEG YOU!!!!! 2

Desert Eagle: I give them credit for their inane song titles but that’s about all I give them credit for. They’re decent whatevercore. 5

Fishermane: Fuck, this shit is all starting to sound the same to me. Reminds me of Himsa, but with better riffs, and a tad more replayability (is that a word?). I’m sure fans of the genre will dig this, but it all fucken sounds the same to me (didn’t I just say that?). Who cares… BANG! 5

The Abyss: Didn’t we have this band once before on AA? No, that was Manmade Man. Or was it Machinemade Man? Oh fuck it all, they sound like Machine Head, ok? Next. 3

Bloodshed: March of the undead

2.8 /10

Lord K: A new aquaintance in this shitty fucken edition of AA. Lemme play the whole album for you; ” vocals – GROOOO, GROOOO, GROOOO !!! – shitty riff – vocals – GROOOO, GROOOO, GROOOO !! – another shitty riff or shitty solo – vocals – GROOOO, GROOOO, GROOOO !! Jesus Fucken Christ you guys suck so much it’s not even funny. 1

Ripper: The only thing marching here is me away from the fucken WinAmp. 3

Desert Eagle: I prefer “Maggots Fucking Maggots”. What a creative name for a band too! I think there’s probably only 2,000 other bands with this name. Hey if all those Bloodsheds combined their money maybe they could afford decent production. 2

Fishermane: Urk. “All shall suffer?” You fucking got that right… “Maggots grinding maggots?” More like “Maggots grinding whatever small amount of talent and
originality Bloodshed remotely never had”. Shut up! That was funny. Right… I love brutal death metal, but aside from a few cool riffs, this shit’s way too generic. 3

The Abyss: I tap my foot and play airdrums with my fingers but at the end of this 31 min of brutal death metal I find that no song really sticks, just fragments. Think I’d need to listen to this a few more times before passing judgement but as of now I’ll give ‘em an 5 for effort. 5

Witchburner: Final detonation

2.8 /10

Lord K: I’m out of insults. 2

Ripper: Like a fucken mallet to the head. Blunt and raw. If the riffs were as gritty and dirty as the singer’s voice, this stuff would be much better. Only here and there they show a bit more than average thrashing and that’s not quite enough to impress me since I am obviously surrounded and outnumbered my mindnumbing mediocricy. 5

Desert Eagle: Man, Nyquil is more interesting than this and that shit is fucken DROWSY! Do you get what I’m saying? I’m being put to sleep! 3

Fishermane: What is this, half-assed thrash metal with a twist? A few decent riffs, lot’s of balls, occasional groove, some arse, a pinch of sack, shitty vocals and that’s to say the least. 2

The Abyss: If Mille or Tom Angelripper were dead they’d be spinning like a roulette-wheel by now. Seeing as they’re both still alive and can actually hear Witchburner fuck up their legacy, I’d wager that Mille and Tom have reached hurricane-velocity by now.Witchburner tries to make some kind of homage/tribute/ripoff of 80’s thrash (complete with kindergarden-lyrics and pronounciation) and fail at pretty much every step on the way. The only thing they got right was the production; it’s thin and weak. 2

Sun Descends: Incinerating the meek

2.6 /10

Lord K: I’ll have to kill the one who decided to include these fucken idiots in this edition. 1

Ripper: Yeah, somewhat hectic, early-Kreatoresque Thrash Metal ripping on Slayer. Bonuspoints for starting the album with a nice “GO!!!” which is fucken underrated and should happen more often. 6

Desert Eagle: You know if you skim through all their songs and listen to the first few seconds of each that they all sound the same? It’s true. True as skim milk. 3

Fishermane: Hey guys, my ass called and just wanted to say he got your message and as much as you guys seem to have a lot in common and share the same hobbies, he’ll have to pass on the invite. And he also says he’d rather listen to the sound of 2 guys slapping their cocks together than listen to your album again. (But thanks for the hat, he absolutely LOVES it!!!). 1

The Abyss: The only reason you name your band Sun Descends is because you’re too pussy to call it Nightfall or Twilight. That should tell you something about the music. I have no clue what Sun Descends is trying to do, but fuck knows it’s not working! The vocals sounds like Mille Petrozza with -50 HeroPoints. 2

Dragonforce: Inhuman rampage

2.4 /10

Lord K: Being a band that’s extremely gifted playing-wise will never equal being a good band. Take your fucken power metal de luxe and get the fuck out of my Audio Autopsy. 2

Ripper: Man, words can’t express the fucken pain I am feeling right now. Are there really people out there listening to this kind of shit and enjoying it? To call this atrocity an unbearable shitstorm of guitar and keyboard maturbation would be the understatement of the fucken millenium. This jizz makes me want to scrape my face off with a rusty screwdriver and then nosedive into a bucket of liquid shit just to feel something less painful and revolting. This is fucken HELL and I wish we had a rating system allowing minus points. 0

Desert Eagle: I can take about five seconds of this shit before I want to die. I used to like them but then I realized it all sounds the same. And now I hear a ballad, FUCK THIS! I’ll show you a “Trail of Broken Hearts” after I date and dump you all. Wait, they’re all guys? No way! OH sweet lord. 2

Fishermane: My comments on this are as relevant as Jessica Simpson’s opinion of the impact of globalization on the international political economy. So this is what “power metal” sounds like? I’m sure the guys are great musicians and that fans of this will enjoy it, but fuck I can’t. I swear I felt my penis shrinking as I tried listening to this… 3

The Abyss: Hyperfast powermetal with absolutely jawdropping guitarplaying, it’s Gay to the N:th degree and yet I can’t help myself from secretly digging it. The vocal melodies on “Storming the Burning Fields” are damn catchy. 5